Do you ever just have a moment of clarity where you realize something you thought was so complex, turns out to actually be simple?

You see, I’ve been having quite a few of those lately, but they’re fleeting. It’s almost like I can’t fully form the idea in my head before it dissipates into vapor. I think that’s a perfect representation of us trying to understand God in our lives. He’s so incomprehensible, but He gives us enough. We may not be able to know everything or comprehend the reasoning behind why He does what He does, but I don’t think we’re supposed to. I think there’s a certain amount of trust to it, a certain amount of faith. I mean, if God were easy to figure out, He wouldn’t be God.

I think we forget sometimes just how big really God is. This is the Creator of the universe we’re talking about here, you know? I’m lucky if I can assemble a piece of furniture, let alone create the sky!

I just think in our oh-so-big lives, we can tend to make our jobs, families, desires, and plans bigger than He is. So in our minds, we make God small. We assign Him to one small corner of our lives and say, “Work on this area for me. I’ve got the rest covered.” I mean, it’s all about “hustlin’” these days, right?

Or maybe it’s not that He’s assigned to one corner of our lives, but that He’s only consulted when we want something. We pray for that promotion, for the opportunity to travel, for our significant other to come into our lives, for a sign to move, etc. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t disagree that there is a place in our prayer life to ask for things in God’s Will. The concern I have, is if that wish you have doesn’t come true, is God still real to you? Is your relationship with God bigger than what you’ve asked for?

You see, I’ve been flipping through the pages of my prayer journal these past couple weeks and I’ve noticed a few things. I’ve seen where there was discontentment in my life – where I cry out for my own desires in my own timing, like a husband, to come and ease my loneliness. I’ve seen where I’m happiest, where I’ve struggled with day-to-day minutia, where I feel loved and appreciated. And you know what determines those emotions in my prayers, what determines my peace or contentment in the midst of everything else?

The condition of my relationship with God.

There have been days I should have felt on top of the world, but didn’t because I had God take the backseat. There have been hard days that could have been easier through God’s filter. There are times I’ve placed my identity in something other than God and felt the pain of false expectations, being let down. And there are times I ask for literally anything other than God to help me. I say to myself, “If I could just get this job, or that house, or this car, or this significant other…then I’d be ok.” I have even promised God I wouldn’t ask for anything else if I could just have this one thing. (Did that start to sound like a Finger Eleven song to anyone else?)

Funnily enough, the times I’m happiest are where I ask Him for nothing else but Him – when I come to Him, on my knees, on my face, or hands animatedly pointing towards Him, asking for nothing but more of who He is and less of me. When I make my life about Him, and not about me, that’s where I see a change in my life. That’s where I grow bold in faith, where I challenge others and myself, where I become humble and say “no” to pride, where I can step back and look at things through God’s filter instead of my own. It’s where I recognize God as God and not just someone who gives gifts. It’s where I realize He’s this incomprehensible being who wants to show me His character, wants to show me His overflowing grace and love, wants to show me His will for my life and the rest of my brothers & sisters in Christ.

It’s where I realize He’s already given me the ultimate gift, His only Son’s righteousness, in spite of what I truly deserve.

I love the seasons of my life where I feel extremely close to Him, where my eyes light up when someone wants to talk about Him. I love recognizing that light in others, sharing our love for Christ, learning from our different experiences and simply being in awe of what He’s done in our lives’. I live for our time alone. For me, it’s right before I go to bed. I get all cozy and read His Word by my bedside lamp, praying for Him to show me more of who He is. I underline, I think, I talk to Him and read some more. Some nights, I go to bed on fire, ready to tell someone about this amazing thing God showed me. Sometimes, I simply go to bed in peace feeling the presence of Holy Spirit around me. Either way, it’s incredible. And then I’m able to go into the world and share, genuinely, with others – my love for God. It’s like this never-ending cycle of learning about Him, leaning into Him, loving Him and sharing what He’s mercifully allowed me to learn.

This is how it’s supposed to be.

This is what it truly means to live life with God, to hand over control and say “More of you, that’s all I want.” This is what it means to put our desires down and lift up His, to love the Giver, not just the gifts.